Reflections #48

I've probably already mentioned before about how I'd been costing too much money for social services when it came to all the secure escorts they'd send from the midlands.

In my poem 'Voluntary Returns' I was 15 by this point, and I think everyone knew that I'd been waiting for the day to be released from the care of social services, or anyone for that matter.
Much different these days at the age of 32, where I'm often been in need of just a little support in life or with my mental health, but it's often been a massive struggle to find any.

Any help I have received in life has often been by people I've never met or don't know that well, thank goodness for souls like that in the world, there is a ray of hope after all.

I wish I'd understood myself more in those days, and more so I wish I'd stayed in foster care at Ann and Ted's instead of being in the habit of running away all the time.
But you don't see those things as a kid. Often discipline makes no sense to you at the time, I myself was offered wise words of advice from those who had fell behind in society a little themselves, but I never really listened.

Saying that I tried quite hard in my twenties. But it's much more difficult without that help, I really wish I'd had more support nationally as a care leaver. It would be great to see a national service for any care leaver in the country to receive help through their adult years, but it seemed once I'd made that decision that I was better off without the help of social services, I never knew how difficult I'd find things without support.

As for being back in London, with it being so fast paced everything was ever-changing and people seemed to move on from time to time.
Not everyone though, there's still people from back in the day sleeping rough and begging in west end still to this day. Again many of them care leavers that most likely made some of the choices and mistakes that I've made. I'm not sure how many of these characters that come to mind will ever truly reintegrate into society for a fresh start.

I've not even had a drug problem and I'm finding it quite difficult still to this day.
I know what it's like to feel like you have to fight your way into it all. And I know what it's like to fail at it.
I bet there are a lot of people out on the street that went through the phases of trying so hard to change their lives, only for it to feel so difficult and everything going against them that they gave up.
I've been there, and have only just recently come out of the other end again myself. Despite writing a book.
I could probably write another book about whats been happening in my life whilst writing this book. It certainly hasn't been easy, but it could have also been a lot worse.

Despite it being a battle at times, and despite me thinking I'll probably get dementia early or one day turn into a real proper down and out looking through dustbins, I'm just glad to still be here whilst not quite giving up yet.
It's not always that easy for everyone though.

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